Male Friendship Isn't Optional: 5 Ways to Strengthen It

Just like our female counterparts, a man's life is filled with good times and tough times.

From what I have observed as a man in his 60s, those who do well at life learn to ride the big emotional waves during the tough times, knowing eventually that the storm will pass and be replaced by calm seas. That is until another temporary storm hits again. That is life for everyone. No one gets smooth sailing all the time.

Thinking back over the past decade, I still can’t believe that three of my former tennis buddies who I played with years ago took their lives in their 40s and 50s.  I unfortunately had lost touch with all three of them after we moved to another state for 7 years. I heard through mutual friends that they had been struggling due to a variety of reasons such as declining health, financial hardships, and divorce, to name a few.

When I moved back, instead of reconnecting over a game of tennis, I was attending their funerals.  I will never forget the big personalities of the two friends I was closer to. They were always smiling, laughing, and had a zest for life in their prime. Going to their funerals, and at that time hearing that celebrity chef Anthony Bourdain took his life at 61, shook me to my core.

I had heard through others that as my tennis friends got older and were facing some tough challenges, they had become more isolated. I wonder if they had stayed more connected with their male friends, someone could have seen how much they were suffering and helped them see that suicide wasn't the answer. Their passing really hit home for me on the importance of staying connected with my own male friends during difficult times.

What I have seen personally is confirmed by the data. Men die by suicide at close to four times the rate of women, and men account for roughly 80% of all suicide deaths in the U.S. While the highest rates of all are now seen in men 75 and older, middle-aged men remain a group that consistently makes up a large share of suicide deaths each year — the exact stretch of life my tennis friends were in. And here's the part that still stops me: of all age groups who died by suicide, more than half had no known diagnosed mental health condition.

What contributed to them wanting to take their life were multiple factors — economic hardship, relationship problems, substance use, physical health problems, recent crises, and a host of other pressures that build quietly over time.

Knowing these statistics, and mourning the loss of friends who died way too young, I have compiled my list of ways men can improve their male friendships that can help in gaining more support during difficult times:

1.     Engage in longer conversations whenever possible. 

In this fast-paced society, many people interact in short bursts of "chit-chat" and then run off to their next task or event. They end with a "let's do lunch" shout-out, with no real commitment to meeting again. Make that extra effort to really connect with those you trust and do share if you are struggling. If they are your friends, they can comfort you and perhaps provide some ideas for support that can help you through your difficult situation.

2.     Communicate in other ways to keep your connection going strong before signs of trouble. 

There are more ways to communicate today than there were 30 years ago. When I was younger, there were no cell phones — only the phone in the house, or a pay phone for a quarter. Socializing with others happened in person, in groups, or at home with parents around. Today, we have texting, social media messaging, video calls, and more. These are great ways to stay in touch but be sure to include real face-to-face time with the people you're closest to. Technology can help you connect, but it's still no substitute for personal interaction.

3.     Join or be a part of an organization or group.

Over the past 20 years, having reconnected with friends and family, I've seen those connections get stronger, and people become happier when they're part of a group or organization. My own passion has been playing tennis and socializing with the many teams I've been part of, and I've seen friends stay connected through bands, exercise classes or boot camps, or self-improvement groups. Apps and sites like Meetup can also be a great way to find others with similar interests if you're starting from scratch.

4.     Get outside. 

Try connecting in a different setting, preferably outdoors in nature. Invite a friend for a walk at a park, the beach, or a botanical garden, and have a real conversation while enjoying the beauty of being outside. A change of scenery can make it easier to open.

5.     Talk about real-life struggles. 

It's nice to have quick check-ins with others — asking how someone's doing and getting a thumbs-up emoji back. But that's simply not enough. We still need people we trust, who we can share our deepest thoughts and feelings with — someone to talk to if there's an internal struggle that might lead to suicidal thoughts. After one of my tennis friends died by suicide, I found out through other tennis friends that he was really struggling, even though he always had a smile on his face. If only some of us had had a deeper conversation with him, we might have known how much pain he was really in. Now he's gone, and he left behind so many people who loved him.

The key takeaway is this: as men, it's okay to reach out to others when we're feeling weak and need extra support during tough times. We can pull each other up and remind one another that help is available, and that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

If you or someone you know is having suicidal thoughts, please call or text 988 to reach the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, available 24/7, or chat at 988lifeline.org.

If you would like to assess your current connection level, check out Cher's Connection Level e-book that assesses what level you are in now. She gives tips to building and deepening your connections at whatever level you are at. You can download it free here.