How Being Vulnerable Makes You a Better Communicator

Some of the most important communication we do has nothing to do with the words we choose. It's about how much of our actual, unpolished selves we're willing to let show. That's vulnerability. It might be the most underrated communication skill there is.

One of my all-time favorite teachers on this topic is Dr. Brené Brown, researcher and author of the fantastic book Daring Greatly. She's spent more than a decade studying shame and vulnerability and how they shape our ability to connect with others. Her 2010 TED talk on vulnerability has since become one of the most-watched TED talks ever recorded, now well past 60 million views — a sign that this isn't a niche topic, it's something nearly everyone is quietly working through. Her research affected me so deeply, both personally and in my own work on connection, that I devoted an entire chapter to shame and vulnerability in my first book, and I return to her work throughout my guidebook as well.

This is actually the heart of the last letter in my CONNECT framework: T, for True to Yourself. My CONNECT framework are 7 social skills I included in my Your Social Connection Guidebook. All the communication skills in the world — active listening, asking good questions, reading a room — fall flat if the person underneath them isn't willing to be seen. Vulnerability is what makes every other connection skill actually land.

Brown's core insight is this: to have better connections with others, we have to allow ourselves to be seen. That means being real. It's about letting down our guard and showing people who we actually are, instead of performing like we have everything under control all the time. Of course, you have to use judgment about how much you reveal to someone before you know them well. But there are simple, low-risk ways to practice this as a communication habit, even with people you've just met.

Here are some things I do to practice vulnerability as a communication skill when meeting new people — and it's led me to more authentic connections than almost anything else I do.

1.     Smile at someone and say hello, even if they seem grumpy or unapproachable. Don't feel bad if they don't smile back. Feel good that you were the one who opened the door first.

2.     Share something funny you noticed, or a joke you heard recently, with someone you barely know — even if they don't laugh. The goal isn't the reaction. It's showing that you have humor and lightness in you, communicated openly instead of held back.

3.     Share something small and personal — funny or a lesson learned — and keep it general at first. Watch how the other person responds. If they add their own story or follow up with something real, you've just learned you can go beyond surface-level talk with them.

If you get a blank stare or a judgmental response, it's probably best to keep things lighter with that person for now. Either way, feel good that you showed a more honest side of yourself — and keep seeking out the people who meet you there.

Vulnerability isn't the opposite of strong communication. It's what makes communication actually work. The words matter less than whether the person behind them is willing to be genuinely present and honest, not performing. To read the full section of my CONNECT framework to help you be a better conversationalist, meet friends easier and deepen your connections, check out my latest release, Your Social Connection Guidebook. You can read about it on my connection tools page or purchase it here

Happy connecting!